Long to Be
by LittleLongHairedOutlaw
Summary: "Left to herself she was inclined to huddle in front of the fire, staring at the flickering coals and moving the beads of her rosary restlessly through her fingers." - Susan Kay, 'Phantom'. The restlessness of her fingers merely reflected the restlessness in her thoughts, and the longing to have done things differently.


She loves him. She does, she loves him. She feels it deep in her bones, and in the blood coursing through her veins – the thrill of undeniable, secret knowledge. She loves him.

It thrums in her fingers, the longing to reach out and stroke that disfigured cheek, to trace those malformed lips. They twitch in spite of her best efforts to still them, plucking at a loose thread in her dress. It snaps sharply between her fingers, the backlash stinging.

She should have stayed, should have refused to leave. She knows that now, sees it _every time_ Raoul brings flowers and looks at her with such hopeful eyes. He thinks it's the thing to do, when one is courting a woman. (A girl. She is not a woman. She cannot be. She has not yet entered her majority, as _he_ put it about Raoul. If she were a woman, she would not be in this mess. If she were a woman, she would have stayed.)

Flowers for a wedding.

And flowers for a funeral.

 _Which is this?_ she wonders, the fire's flames flickering in her eyes. In two days it will be a wedding, it is _supposed_ to be a wedding. Yet, it feels so much as if she is going to her death. Why must she be in white? She may technically be free of certain sins, but in her mind... Black is the only fitting colour for a bride such as her.

Tomorrow she'll go to him. She'll bring him the wedding invitation. She'll hug him and kiss away the tears that will trickle down his cheeks and try not to cry herself. And then he'll kiss her, slowly, hesitantly, and Raoul will just have to stand there and watch because, after all, _on such a day it would be quite permissible to kiss the bride._ And is it not his right? To kiss her when he is the one who is giving her away?

(It is traitorous of her to wish that their roles were reversed, to dream that she is being given _to_ him instead.)

It comes back to her in rolling waves, the hot tears falling on her hand when he placed it in Raoul's, the lightness of his finger on her lips when he gently hushed her protests, the way he stood there so helplessly when she broke their kiss, his eyes searching hers as if he couldn't believe what she had just done.

(He wasn't the only one. Even now she marvels at the fact that she managed to work up the courage to kiss him. It was a moment's decision, the world tilting into place, and she took that fateful leap into the unknown. For one fleeting, horrible moment, she thought he was going to have another seizure, the way he froze as she slipped her tongue between his lips.)

To take him in her arms and hold him close. To feel his heart beating against her cheek, fluttering in his chest. To kiss his face and stroke his hair and entwine her fingers with his – so simple, so necessary. (Life-giving. A gift from a living corpse.) To let him know that she loves him. She loves him. ( _You love him_. It echoes in her ears as if Raoul is saying it, confirming her own certainty.)

 _Hail Mary, full of grace_.

His cheek beneath her fingertips.

 _Hail Mary, full of grace_

Her head leaned against his knee.

 _Hail Mary, full of grace_

His forehead smooth beneath her lips.

 _Hail Mary_

 _Hail Mary_

 _Hail Mary_

Tomorrow, she'll hold him in her arms and invite him to a wedding he can never attend and kiss him and hope that he never knows how much she loves him, and how deep the ache runs that she must do this to him. To know she loves him and then to have to watch her marry another man, even if it was at his own insistence. What hell must that be?

To hell with anything Raoul might say. He'll have her forever. Erik can only hold her once more. And not only that, but can only lay eyes on her once more. Let him have that chance, for both of their sakes.

 _Hail Mary_

The diamond-studded ring is heavy on her finger, the stones glittering golden, a mockery of his eyes.

 _Hail Mary_

They have tomorrow, an assurance that, yes, he is all right. (He _will_ be all right.) Yes, he is still living. Yes, he is well. And ever more she can dream of him, his fingers dancing across the piano keys, simmering golden in the candlelight, and tell herself that he is safe.

She loves him.

 _(She loves him.)_


End file.
